SLIEMA — The Vatican has formally dispatched a team of miracle investigators to Malta after a 34-year-old Birkirkara man reportedly found a parking spot on Tower Road, Sliema, on his very first attempt, without circling the block, double-parking, or weeping.

Joey Zammit, an accountant, claims the incident occurred at approximately 11:30 AM on Saturday — peak Sliema traffic hours — when he turned onto Tower Road and immediately noticed a car pulling out of a metered spot directly in front of his destination.

”I didn’t believe it at first,” Mr. Zammit told reporters from his home, where he has been under sedation since the incident. “I thought maybe I was hallucinating. Or maybe I had died and gone to heaven. But then I realised that if I was in heaven, there would be no parking meters.”

Witnesses corroborated Mr. Zammit’s account. “I was sitting at the café across the street, and I saw the whole thing,” said Carmen Attard, 71. “He just… drove up and parked. No circling. No reversing seventeen times. No getting out to argue with anyone. I dropped my cappuccino. It went everywhere. I didn’t even care.”

News of the event spread rapidly through Maltese social media, with many expressing scepticism. “Fake news,” declared one Facebook commenter. “I’ve been driving in Sliema for twenty years and the closest I’ve come to finding a spot was when someone died and their relatives hadn’t collected the car yet.”

The Archbishop of Malta issued a cautious statement noting that “while the Church does not rush to declare miracles, the finding of a parking spot in Sliema on a Saturday morning does warrant serious theological investigation.”

The Vatican team, which arrived in Malta this morning, is expected to interview Mr. Zammit, examine his car (a 2019 Toyota Yaris, silver), and assess whether the parking event meets the Church’s criteria for a genuine miracle, which requires that the event be “instantaneous, complete, and scientifically inexplicable."

"It’s definitely scientifically inexplicable,” confirmed Professor Maria Borg of the University of Malta’s Department of Traffic Studies. “Our models show a 0.0003% probability of finding parking in Sliema on a Saturday without divine intervention.”

Mr. Zammit has reportedly not driven back to Sliema since the incident. “Why would I push my luck?” he said.