VALLETTA — In an unprecedented move, the normally quiet locality of Ta’ Qali has declared itself an independent nation, citing the upcoming Pitbull concert as its primary reason to secede from Malta. The decision was made late last night under the flickering light of the stadium floodlights, as locals realised this was their only option to dodge the inevitable avalanche of noise complaints set to accompany the concert.
The self-proclaimed President of Ta’ Qali, Karmenu the ice-cream vendor, who will now also double as the country’s Minister of Festas and Silly Activities, announced the news in an impromptu press conference held on the steps of the local pastizzeria.
Officials Respond
”Look, it’s not that we don’t like music,” Karmenu explained, balancing a freshly baked pastizz in one hand and a miniature Maltese flag in the other. “But when Lil Jon starts yelling, ‘Yeah!’, it’s hard to keep the peace amongst the sleeping snails in Buskett, you know?”
Maltese officials seemed bemused by the announcement. Prime Minister Tumas mused, “Uwejja, can’t we all just wear some good earplugs or something?” Meanwhile, in a surprising turn of events, the Sliema council has expressed support, seeing Ta’ Qali’s boldness as inspirational. Sliema is now considering its own independence as ‘Kingdom of Daffni’, after repeated complaints about overenthusiastic festa fireworks shook the very foundations of Rdum il-Bir.
”It’s a clever plan… until you remember their economy is based purely on ice-cream sales.”
The Fallout
Residents of nearby Attard are reportedly forming a counter-protest group: the “Alliance for Sleep,” determined to undermine Ta’ Qali’s sovereignty unless their demands for peace include more than just a Sunday market with discounted gbejniet.
Critics point out the practical challenges of this new independence. They question Karmenu’s leadership, citing the fact that Ta’ Qali doesn’t have any other governmental infrastructure besides a solitary public toilet.
What Happens Next
Regardless, the tiny new republic has forged ahead with its plans for self-governance. Residents have already begun patrolling their metaphorical borders, marked entirely by cones leftover from last year’s traffic diversion experiment. They keep a watchful eye out for rogue concert-goers attempting to sneak in without ear protection.
The world watches with bated breath to see whether Pitbull himself will acknowledge the new nation during the concert, possibly branding it as his latest “Mr. Worldwide” conquest.
At press time, Ta’ Qali was negotiating with Malta’s Energy Ministry to take control of one of the island’s essential power stations, reasoning that only then could their bakes stand sufficiently warm for their ambitious nightly ruling council meetings—discussions which are reportedly held over plates of warm timpana.