VALLETTA — The Government announced today that it will tow the Russian LNG tanker that has been drifting ominously near Maltese waters to Manoel Island, where it will be converted into three things Maltese society urgently needs: padel courts, ‘Stabbilta’ kiosks, and 300 ‘affordable’ parking spaces.
New plan solves three problems at once
”It is resourceful, practical and very Maltese,” said Minister Karmenu Borg during a short briefing that involved a map, a biro and a plate of pastizzi. “Rather than let it scare tourists, we will make it useful. Padel is trendy. Pastizzi are eternal. Parking remains political capital.”
The Planning Authority said a fast-track application would be submitted within 24 hours, because nothing says ‘urgent planning decision’ like a floating sports complex with a pastizzi stand. Engineers confirmed the tanker is structurally adequate for two padel courts and a kiosk serving hot ricotta, but warned the 300 parking spaces may be “optimistic” once queueing starts.
”If the tanker drifts another metre to the left, we simply move the roundabout.”
Local Manoel Island stakeholders were consultated for approximately seven minutes. Marija from the Manoel Island Conservation Group said she was “surprised but open-minded,” then asked if the Stabbilta kiosks would also sell honey-roasted pastizzi — a suggestion immediately adopted by officials.
Opposition leaders questioned the legality. The government replied by promising the project would create jobs, regenerate the foreshore, and possibly pay for the T15 building transfer. Everyone agreed on one thing: the tanker solves the worst Maltese problem of all — where to host a festa without someone complaining about noise.
Foreign analysts called the move “creative reuse.” A British tourist asked where to park his hire car. He was directed to row three.
At press time, tugboats were preparing to tow the tanker while contractors practised installing nets, lights and a small scoreboard that reads “Set Point: Ħobż biż-żejt.”