VALLETTA — Transport Malta quietly announced today that every roundabout on the islands will be replaced with a scheduled festa, complete with a pastizz stall, a municipal għana duet to settle lane disputes, and an appointed festa marshal empowered to revoke driving licences on the spot.
The programme, which starts this Sunday at the Spinola roundabout in St Julian’s, is being billed as a cultural intervention to ‘humanise traffic’ and ‘bring the community together in a controlled clockwise environment.’ Uwejja, officials said, the change is permanent.
Lane etiquette now decided by għana
Under the scheme, each former roundabout will have a timetable posted on a new stone pillar. At 10:00 the pastizz stall opens. At 11:00 the municipal għana duet performs and adjudicates lane disputes using traditional lyric debate. At 13:00 the brass band plays and all vehicles must complete one ceremonious clockwise lap while throwing confetti (optional).
Festa marshals — chosen from local committees and trained in crowd control, rhythm, and Traffic Regulations — will have the authority to issue fines, tow cars, and, in ‘extreme lyrical cases,’ revoke licences on the spot with a stamped hymn sheet. Carmen Attard, the inaugural marshal for the Sliema circuit, said she plans to carry a large clipboard and a tambourine.
”If you try to cut across without permission from the għana, I will sing you off the rostrum and take your licence. Mela, kien aħjar tixtri ħobż biż-żejt u tieħu sewwa.”
Drivers unions were mixed. Tumas Mallia of the National Drivers Association told Times of Mela he supports ‘anything that gets people out of their cars, preferably dancing.’ Marija Grech, a commuter from Żebbuġ, said she is worried about peak-hour festas conflicting with school drop-offs. “X’jiġri jekk il-pastizzi jintremew?” she asked, aghast.
Transport Malta assures everyone the scheme will reduce honking, increase community spirit, and create jobs for pastizz vendors displaced by roundabout engineering. The Planning Authority has been ‘consulted,’ officials added, which in Maltese means there was a polite email.
At press time, a nearby parking warden was already learning the chorus of the municipal għana so he could better judge double-parking offences.