VALLETTA — In a bold new initiative to uplift the spirits of the Maltese people, the government has officially declared pastizzi a national sport. Starting next month, every citizen will be required to participate in at least one pastizzi-eating competition each month, or else pay a hefty fine of €50 for ‘not contributing to national morale’.
Prime Minister Robert Abela stated, “We need to unite the nation over something more than just politics and roadworks. What better way than stuffing your face with delicious pastizzi?”
Local bakeries are already prepping for the influx of eager contestants. Tumas, the owner of pastizzerija Tas-Sajf in St. Julian’s, shared his excitement: “I’ve been training my whole life for this! I’ll definitely be the champion. Last week I ate 30 in one sitting. Uwejj, I’m feeling it now!”
The Planning Authority has even been consulted to ensure the necessary facilities for competitions, with suggestions for specially designed pastizzi-eating arenas featuring comfortable seating, air conditioning, and ample decoration of the national pastizzi flag.
National Pastizzi Day
Officials have also announced a National Pastizzi Day, where Maltese are encouraged to wear pastizzi-themed jerseys during the competitions. Pawlu, a dedicated fan of the sport, said, “Finally, I can wear my love for pastizzi right on my chest! Mela, this is what I’ve been waiting for!”
“People have never felt more united, even while competing for their lives and their waistlines.”
The new legislation is praised by many, including Marija, who claimed it has changed her life: “I always thought I was just a casual pastizzi eater. Now, I’m a national athlete. I feel like an Olympian!”
Critics argue the move trivializes sports and health, warning that the excessive consumption of pastizzi could lead to health issues. However, the government reassured citizens that the benefits of national spirit more than outweigh any minor cholesterol concerns.
At press time, foreign diplomats were attempting to convince Malta to hold a World Pastizzi Championship, causing confusion among progressives wondering what sport this actually is.