VALLETTA — In a revolutionary move straight out of a sci-fi movie, the Maltese government has announced that all public benches will be equipped with complimentary cooling systems. These high-tech benches, powered solely by the body heat of sunbathers, will roll out next week across Malta.
”This is a fantastic solution to our scorching summer days! We’re turning our most beloved sunbathing spots into cooling havens!” said Minister for Unnecessary Inventions, Tumas Figolla, while covering himself in sunscreen and preparing to park himself on a bench. “It’s the perfect synergy between relaxation and innovation!”
In response to the announcement, applications for ‘Professional Sunbather’ licenses have skyrocketed. The government anticipates a whopping 150% increase in sunbathers ready to make their bodies available as natural heaters for the cooling benches.
”Finally, my tanning skills can pay off! I can proudly say I’m contributing to Malta’s energy needs while getting a sunburn!”
With the Planning Authority already overwhelmed by applications, some locals are concerned about the inevitable traffic chaos at sunny spots. “We’ll have more sunbathers than benches!” said Karmenu, a lifelong resident of St. Julian’s. “I’ll need a parking warden to help me find a spot for my beach chair just to get a cooling seat!”
Meanwhile, foreign tourists are already scratching their heads at the bizarre licensing process. One confused tourist asked, “What’s next, a license to eat pastizzi in public?”
Cooling System Technology
The cooling systems are designed to work like this: as the sunbathers soak up the rays, they produce enough body heat to cool the benches down, creating an oasis-like effect around busy promenades. Plans have also been unveiled for benches that double up as mini shady canopies, although the latter remains in discussion.
At press time, locals are rushing to the beach, not only to sunbathe but to secure their spot on the world’s first body-heat-powered bench. Summer in Malta just got a lot warmer, but also a lot cooler!