VALLETTA — In a move that has left many scratching their heads, the Maltese government has unveiled a plan to train local cats as official “pigeon diplomats.” This initiative aims to resolve the escalating conflict between the national pigeon population and their furry rivals over the rooftop real estate in Ġreater Valletta.
Minister for Animal Relations, Tumas Catania, stated, “We’ve tried everything — from fireworks to loud music — but nothing stops these pigeons from crapping on our prized limestone balconies. It’s time for a diplomatic approach!” The plan involves intensive training sessions for cats where they learn negotiation skills, charm techniques, and how to purr their way into pigeon hearts.
Cat Academy
The specially selected cats will attend a new institution dubbed the “Cat Academy for Pigeon Diplomacy,” where they will study pigeon behavior, and motivational techniques like the elusive ‘I’m not chasing you’ gaze. “We believe this will lead to a ceasefire,” Catania added. “And, if successful, both sides can share the rooftops over some nice, hot pastizzi.”
“It’s either that or we start calling in our dogs. We don’t want to escalate this situation.”
Critics of the plan say it’s an absurd waste of resources. Pawlu, a local resident, grumbled, “I’ve seen pigeons take the high ground. These cats will be too distracted by the thought of a nice ħobż biż-żejt to care! What do they know about diplomacy?”
Meanwhile, the pigeon community has responded with skepticism. “Pigeons are very proud. We’ll negotiate when we’re ready, not when some fluff balls prance around pretending to be diplomats,” tweeted a pigeon activist, @FeatheredFlame.
A trial run will commence next week, where five carefully selected cats will attempt to broker peace while perched on the rooftops, much to the amusement of the local pigeons who might just see it as a free show.
At press time, the cats were last seen in a heated debate over who gets the sunniest spot on the roof.