VALLETTA — The Maltese government has announced an unprecedented initiative to revolutionize the way holidays are celebrated. From now on, all public holidays will officially require citizens to eat pastizzi underwater, marking what officials are calling a move for ‘deeper connections’ among the population.
During a press conference, Parliamentary Secretary for Silly Ideas, Pawlu Mallia, explained, “Eating pastizzi underwater exemplifies true unity. We want people to connect on a deeper level, literally! Plus, there’s nothing like a nice bit of ricotta in your lungs to bring the community together.”
The public reaction has been mixed. Marija, a local pastizzi vendor in Valletta, said, “Uwejj, I just bought a big batch of pastizzi for the feast on Monday, now I need to get scuba tanks as well?!” Meanwhile, Karmenu, a self-proclaimed underwater gourmet, expressed excitement: “Finally! I’ve been saying for years that pastizzi pair well with a bit of coral and seaweed!”
Logistical Issues Abound
Despite the enthusiasm, logistical issues are emerging. The Planning Authority has been tasked with designing underwater pastizzi stalls, a project that is estimated to cost an enormous amount and sit in queue with other endless construction projects around the island.
“It’s about time we take the feast underwater. The boats are ready, and I hear dolphins taste-test pastizzi too!”
The frequent holiday divers may have to contend not just with not-so-fresh pastizzi, but with the possibility of jellyfish and various sea creatures who might mistake the delicacies for dinner.
As for school children? Well, they’ll now be taking swimming lessons to prepare for their next holiday celebration and will get extra homework on the hydrodynamics of deep frying.
In the meantime, the government is reportedly considering additional underwater festivities, including traditional fireworks displays run by trained octopuses.
At press time, the first underwater pastizzi festival was postponed due to too many tourists getting lost on the Gozo ferry, seemingly unaware they needed a snorkel.