VALLETTA — In a move that has locals scratching their heads and frantically booking swimming lessons, the Maltese government announced today that all traditional feasts will now feature mandatory swimming competitions. The initiative aims to provide a solution for the nationwide struggle of drowning out the sound of festive band marches.
The decision comes after a comprehensive study revealed that 97% of Maltese would rather take a dip than listen to yet another rendition of ‘L-Iżejjed Fostna.’ Local authorities believe that introducing swimming competitions is the best way to keep the peace while giving families some much-needed exercise.
“Honestly, we don’t mind the band as much as we mind the fact that it’s playing at 2 AM,” said Tumas, a local who reportedly has been training for the swimming competition since the announcement. “Now, I can enjoy my pastizzi in peace while making sure I don’t get swept away by the current.”
“Swimming is the new festa must-have. Who needs fireworks when you can see your cousin sink?”
The Festas Will Never Be the Same
Marching bands, once the highlight of every festa, will now be paired with lifeguards and swimming lanes. The Planning Authority will ensure safety zones around the feast settings, but locals are concerned about the influx of tourists trying to participate.
Karmenu, a Gozitan swimmer, shared his thoughts: “I’m worried that we’ll see foreigners signing up, thinking it’s a ‘swimming holiday’ and not understanding the craziness that is our local band culture!”
As for the swimmers, training schedules have already pivoted to accommodate the overwhelming need for pool facilities alongside every feast. Government officials confirmed that new swimming pools will be mandated next to each village square. “Being ‘underwater’ beats listening to L-Iżejjed any day,” added Marija, who also runs the village pastizzeria.
At press time, preparations were underway for next week’s feast, promising a unique combination of laughter, splashes, and excessive amounts of ħobż biż-żejt. Universities are even starting to offer courses in band march swimming techniques.