VALLETTA — In a shocking move that has left many scratching their heads, the Maltese government has announced a plan to replace all traffic lights with traditional Maltese feasts. Drivers can now expect road crossings to be transformed into celebratory events complete with colorful street decorations, unlimited pastizzi sampling, and live band performances.
Transportation Minister Tumas Micallef explained the vision behind this initiative. “We believe that every time you stop at a red light, you should feel like you’re at a festa in the village,” Micallef said, while also shoveling a handful of pastizzi into his mouth. “Traffic jams add excitement! Who doesn’t want to dance along with a band while waiting to cross?”
“This is an innovative way to combine traffic management with cultural heritage. Who needs red lights when you can have red banners?”
The government has assured the public that these feasts will operate during peak hours. In fact, each crossing will be managed by a group of enthusiastic volunteers wearing traditional costumes and holding big shepherd’s crooks. As local resident Marija expressed, “I can’t complain about long traffic lines anymore. As long as I have a plate of pastizzi and music to enjoy, I’m happy!”
However, some critics have raised concerns about the possible chaos of this new system. The Planning Authority’s resident skeptic, Pawlu, pointed out, “Imagine being stuck behind a truck of fireworks during rush hour! It’s going to be more chaotic than the Gozo ferry on a Sunday!”
At press time, traffic reports indicated that Valletta was experiencing “significant delay” due to a spontaneous parade of dancing cars celebrating the new legislation.