VALLETTA — In an unprecedented attempt to combat climate change, the Maltese government has mandated that all incoming ferries transport a whopping 200,000 liters of seawater in a desperate effort to ‘balance ocean levels’ and appease the legendary Great Salted Fish, a mysterious creature believed to safeguard Malta’s shores.
Seawater: The New Maltese Gold?
Cabinet members convened in a secret session known only as ‘Il-Ħin ta’ Mela’ where Prime Minister Robert Abela revealed the ‘innovative’ strategy to tackle rising temperatures and mythical fish populations at the same time. “If we are to save our islands, we must first appease our maritime guardians,” he stated, dashing hopes for genuine climate action while simultaneously confusing half the population.
”The Great Salted Fish has been warning us for centuries, you know. We just weren’t listening,” said environmental consultant and part-time fisherman, Mario Mifsud. His grandpa told tales of the beast rising from the depths. According to him, it was not so much about the legend, but more about eating too many pastizzi too quickly.
”If we don’t act now, we’ll all be swimming with the fish — as they say!”
Declaring War on the Seas
The new regulation has caused rampant chaos in Maltese ports, with ferries struggling to balance the weight of their cargo along with the liters of seawater needed to keep the Great Salted Fish calm. “Some of them are practically lifting the hull from the water!” claimed local dockworker Joseph, while attempting to repair a leaking ferry. “I mean, we are basically adding to the ocean levels, aren’t we? So does that mean we will need ferries to bring in more sand?”
However, scientists are still baffled by the decision. Dr. Carla Zammit, a marine biologist, pointed out an obvious contradiction: “Why are we fighting climate change with more seawater? Shouldn’t we just be reducing emissions? Oh wait, do I need to throw my fish for dinner back in the sea?”
The government’s justification centers around one simple theory: If the Great Salted Fish is ‘well-hydrated’ and happy, ocean levels will magically stabilize and Malta will become an eco-paradise. Scientists around the world are struggling to process this unique logic, as many suggest utilizing a smaller, more sustainable approach, like recycling or wind farms.
Malta’s Got Talent… or Not
In a surprising turn of events, local energy companies have jumped on the seawater bandwagon, planning to host performance competitions on the ferries aimed at charming the Great Salted Fish with traditional Maltese music and dance. “We believe it’s the answer,” said Pierre, a musician. “If the fish wants a festa with fireworks and għana, who are we to deny it?”
Efforts are now underway to provide weekly entertainment on inbound ferries, complete with snacks of ħobż biż-żejt and pastizzi for the crew. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories proliferate about the fish’s diet: “What if it actually wants our snacks rather than seawater? You know, the Pastizzan might be the true king of the sea!”
Navigating a Brave New World
While the world watches in disbelief, foreign relations are at a standstill. The EU is reportedly considering an emergency summit to address the freshwater crisis caused by Malta’s unique water management strategy. Other countries, particularly those with seafood dishes, are raising eyebrows.
”This is exactly what we didn’t want. All we wanted was for Malta to go green, not to go fish!”
As confusion reverberates across Europe, local shopkeepers have started selling “The Great Salted Fish Is Coming” memorabilia - pastizzi shaped like sea creatures and T-shirts that say “My Other Boat is Full of Seawater.” It seems that Malta has become quite the tourist destination, as people flock to see whether they will catch a glimpse of this mythical guardian. Apparently, Instagram accounts have already exploded with #GreatSaltedFish sightings!
At press time, the government was investigating whether to add an emotional support dog next to the ferries to help the Great Salted Fish feel more at home.