VALLETTA — In an unexpected turn of events, a band of Maltese researchers has uncovered a shocking conclusion: the national obsession with pastizzi has led to the emergence of a new species of seagull. This peculiar bird has taken to the skies along our coastlines, fervently screaming ‘Imqarell!’ while simultaneously scavenging for Kinnie.
Pastizzi: The Feathered Conspiracy
According to Dr. Mario Saliba, lead researcher at the University of Malta’s Avian Studies Department, “It started as casual observations during our lunch breaks. The seagulls would circle around us, likely drawn by our pastizzi, and then it turned into this ludicrous phenomenon where they seemed to only shout ‘Imqarell!’ loudly before diving for our snacks. Now we have proof: they’re an entirely new species!”
The study, spanning over three summers, noted that these birds exhibit a distinctive proclivity for harboring an innate hostility towards tourists consuming Kinnie. As Dr. Saliba further explained, “The connection between pastizzi consumption and specific avian behavior appears to be more than mere coincidence; it’s almost as if the seagulls were under some sort of, how you say, pastizzification spell or something.”
From the Pastizz to the Possession
Researchers initially believed the strange behavior stemmed from the seagulls’ insatiable desire for traditional Maltese cuisine. “We thought we’d just found a particularly loud subspecies of gull,” noted researcher Maria Pulè, who, ironically, had her pastizzi snatched out of her hand during a press briefing, resulting in a Kinnie cascade across the room. “But no, it turns out these birds have an affinity for junk food — and all that starts with pastizzi!”
Witnesses in Golden Bay report that a flock of these new seagulls can empty a plate in seconds. A local man, Ġorġ, observed a group of them screaming ‘Imqarell!’ with such fervor that he was compelled to ask, “Who trained them? A pastizzi vendor?” The gulls responded by diving at his packed Ħobż biż-żejt before he could even protest.
The Office of the Ministry of Feathery Affairs Responds
Government officials were quick to respond to the findings, with Minister for Environment and Beak Affairs, Anne-Marie Pellè, stating, “This could be a serious boon for our economy. Imagine: the world’s first accredited Kinnie-stealing seagull attraction. We’ll draw tourists from all over for this unique experience!”
Despite the obvious absurdity of this dilemma, locals remain intrigued. The Planning Authority has even begun drafting blueprints for “Imqarell Experience” parks, where unsuspecting tourists will try to enjoy their meals while dodging these enthusiastic avian marauders. “Think of it as an extreme sport,” said Pellè.
“Ever since I witnessed an attack at Għadira, I knew life around pastizzi would never be the same.”
The Future is Feathery and Friendly?
As the popularity of the ‘Imqarell!’ seagulls grows, so too does concern from local bird enthusiasts. “We might need to consider humane ways to divert them from tourists,” mused ornithologist Paul Attard. “Maybe we could scatter pastizzi-flavored bird feed to distract them? Or have ‘Kinnie-free zones?’”
This adds a new and rather exciting layer to seagull-watching tours already being offered in various locations. Some companies are marketing “Imqarell!-scream safari tours”. Meanwhile, the Ministry is considering a change in signage at beaches, urging tourists to protect their food with the warning: “Hold tight your Kinnie, or risk a dive-bomb from above!”
“This is literally the best bird news of the decade — until I run out of Kinnie, that is.”
At press time, seagull psychologists were called in to further decode the meaning of the ‘Imqarell!’ scream, while an Italian tourist wondered aloud if the gulls were simply asking for something to eat. However, it became clear that the real question remains: how much pastizzi is too much pastizzi? And more importantly, how much can a seagull really eat?