VALLETTA — In an unprecedented leap towards national unity, the Maltese government announced today plans to replace the national anthem with the explosive sounds of village feast fireworks. Officials claim this revolutionary initiative will ‘ignite Malta’s national identity’ while completely forgetting to consult the very villages who create the raucous bangs.
‘Why sing when you can blast?’ said Culture Minister Pawl Farrugia. ‘The sound of fireworks resonates with the spirit of our people. It’s like a pastizz for your ears.’ Many were left wondering, however, how this would affect solemn occasions like funerals or family meetings. ‘I mean how do you even start a meeting with ‘BOOM! BOOM!’?’ remarked Karmenu, a local lawyer.
Villagers Left in the Dark
While the government celebrates its ‘multi-bang’ approach to identity, many villagers were caught off guard. Zaren from Żebbuġ stated, ‘Mela, if they want the explosions, they should come to our festas! We’ve got a whole collection!’ Meanwhile, Marija from Nadur quipped, ‘I can’t wait for St. George’s feast to be the new Eurovision! Will there be a contest for best fireworks now?’
Residents fear that if the government can make such a pivotal change without consulting them, other radical ideas may be on the horizon. ‘Closed roads for the entire summer sounds good! More traffic, less parking!’ suggested someone at a nearby pastizzeria, raising a glass of Kinnie.
“If I hear ‘Tra-la-la’ one more time, I might just set off my own fireworks.”
Despite the mixed reactions, the Planning Authority has already begun drafting new regulations concerning ‘explosive anthems.’ In a move that shows efficiency, they assured citizens that any necessary parking changes would be ignored in the chaos.
At press time, the only consensus among villagers is that the fireworks are far more enjoyable with a ħobż biż-żejt in hand.