VALLETTA — The Maltese government has officially declared a national holiday exclusively for all residents named ‘Joseph’ to celebrate the invention of pastizzi, citing it as the ‘real identity’ of Maltese culture. Despite pizza’s unyielding dominance on local menus, this move clearly prioritizes the flaky, ricotta-filled pastry over all forms of Italian competition.
In a ceremony held at the Valletta Waterfront, Minister for Culture, Karmenu, announced, ‘We cannot let pizza overshadow the magnificent cultural heritage of our beloved pastizzi. This holiday is to remind all Josephs that they are special, and so are our pastries.’ The minister further emphasized that this is not a step against pizza but rather a sweet reminder of what it truly means to be Maltese—flaky and cheesy.
‘Finally, a holiday just for us!’ said Joseph Borg, a Sliema resident who runs a pastizzeria. ‘I don’t know why the government didn’t do this sooner. You’ll never see a pizza filled with peas and ricotta!”
Responses have been mixed. Some locals have already taken to social media to express their dismay. ‘What about all the other Josephs in Malta? Shouldn’t we celebrate all the names?’ tweeted Zaren, confused by the whole situation. Meanwhile, another Twitter user added, ‘I live in Gozo. Am I allowed to celebrate pastizzi if I’m not a Joseph? #Injustice.‘
The holiday is set for the first Friday of next month, when all playing fields will be closed for Joseph-friendly pastizzi eating contests. It’s said that every pizzeria will offer free pastizzi to any Joseph lucky enough to show up, while non-Josephs will need to pay double. Talk about a real game-changer!
At press time, a petition was circulating for a holiday for any residents named ‘Maltese’ to celebrate the entirely made-up Maltese pastry ‘pizzastizzi’, which combines both pizza and pastizzi. So, it seems the revolution against pizza has only just begun.